March 10, 2004

Okay lets try this again...

I tried several times yesterday to get something posted, but...it wasn't happening.
I'm still bugged by what's going on with Rob, but everytime I tried to get it out, something froze. Either the stupid computer or my brain. I kept wandering off into explanations that made it too long and diluted the point.
Then, Erica had her kitten. Yep. Just one. That's fine. Everybody is doing great and I still have two to go in the prego-cat category. Somehow, I doubt I'll get off this light the next two times...but we can hope. I love kittens. I just don't really need 90 of 'em.
I remember the last time there were two females pregnant at the same time. It was years ago, but how do ya forget going to bed with 9 cats and waking up with 17? They both went off the same night. One load upstairs in a closet and the other in the downstairs bathroom sink.
Erica, on the other hand, has been glued to me since the night before last, meowing at me constantly. Then, when she got ready to give birth, she rather loudly requested my presence and has not let me out of her sight since. I consider myself lucky that she had the baby in a huge basket with a handle. It makes it lots easier to take her with me everywhere I go...lol. 'Course, I am getting kinda tired of the 'Little Red Riding Hood' remarks. "Wanna kitten-sit?" usually stops that crap...lmao.
All I need to do now is convince Erica that I will too come back if I go out to see the horse. The way she's been about being in every room with me, I haven't tried actually leaving the house, yet. Hell, it hasn't been 24 hours. I suppose she may still be a little freaked out. But, I really can't take her out there...I don't care what she thinks...lol. And, I do hafta get out there today. Well...maybe not HAVE TO...but I want to really bad.
Another reason I didn't get out there yesterday was the stupid freakin' white shit falling out of the sky. I mean...c'mon already. Enough wit dat shit, ya know? Not to even mention the fact that the ground is pretty much soaked and the poor boy (Storm) sinks up to his fetlocks every step he takes. Last thing we need is more precipitation...of any kind.
The ground needs to be able to dry out a little before it can handle any more water. If this seemingly endless deluge doesn't stop soon, it could cause flash floods and get completely out of control. It could even get ugly.
Same kinda thing can happen to people, too. I know it does to me. Too many not good things in too short a time can change a person. Whether the change is good or bad depends on a few factors...like, what kind of bad shit it is that's happening, how badly it 'gets' you, how you were taught to respond in the first place and maybe, whether or not there seems to be a point in surviving at all. Maybe it also depends on how you want to come out of it.
Whether or not this change is permanant also depends on a coupla things. Mostly, it depends on the strength of character of the person being shit on. Then, it goes to what kind of people are with them...around them. Whether these people are helping, or further hurting, the dumpee.
It's being able to tell the difference between those two types of people that always fucks me up. That and the fact that if it weren't for low self-esteem, I'd have no self-esteem at all.
I've often wondered for my own self, exactly how much shit is one person supposed to take before they catch a freakin' break? Now, I'm wondering it about a few other people, too. (I consider that to be an improvement, by the way. I've progressed from thinking all the bullshit in the universe is reserved for me...lol)
Anyway, one of the people I'd like to see get a break for once-even more than myself-is Rob.
And I don't even mean a big break, like people excusing him for having a really bad day, or maybe not judging him (lest they be judged)...I just mean I'd like to see life leave him the hell alone, if it can't be nice, for a year or two. Let him have time to try to recover from one trauma before the next three hit.
My very first and still uppermost thought at seeing the reaction people have had to the use of that word is that if THAT is 'the most disturbing thing' you've seen over there lately, you either haven't been over there or haven't paid one damn bit of attention when ya were.
Now, I've been through some pretty bizarre, sometimes pretty harsh shit in my life, but I guess I've also been at least a little lucky that it's been spread out over so many years. What I'd have been like if it had been compressed into less than three years is something that scares me to think about.
And, I'm fully aware that I "brought a lot/most/all of this shit on (my)yourself"...I ought be. It's been pointed out enough damned times. Ya wanna know something(s) about that? First of all, knowing it doesn't change a thing. It doesn't make the shit hurt less or tell you HOW you're doing it so you can STOP...all it does is reinforce the idea that you're a stupid, worthless ass who, it's plain to see according to everybody else, actually DESERVES what you're getting.
Horseballs.
Another thing about it...it's NOT INTENTIONAL!!!! It's a reactionary thing. It's not planned out and worked toward, the way people seem to think it is. It's just that after so many hits too quickly, you begin to perceive any actions by others as potential threats and don't react 'appropriately'.
Whipped dogs are like that too. And, head-shy horses.
Constant abuse leads to the kind of behavior that can be misunderstood into being the reason for the abuse.
It's a lovely fuckin' way to live, let me tell ya.

People seem to lose all perspective when it comes to Rob. I don't honestly know why that is. Am I the only one who still can see him the way he was when I found him a year ago? I still see that guy, underneath all the bullshit, bluster, scars and bad behavior.
I mean, think about it...try to imagine LIVING this: In less than three years, a person you love, right or wrong, you really love, leaves you and takes your kid away. Pretty fuckin' bad. Then, they do all that and just happen to have a substandard replacement for you waiting in the wings. Meantime, you're finding out that you have friggin' cancer and if it doesn't kill you, it will, at the very least, render your dick inoperable for God knows how long...maybe forever...unless, of course you'd not mind jabbing a needle into it every time you want to make love, or have a huge operation in that area.
Now, both of these things get dumped on ya in about a week, so you feel you have nothing to even try to live for, so you go a little nutso for a minute and it gets blown into (nearly) an international incident and used against you more ways than one. The person who left you now enlists your family members to help have you locked up. While you're tied up, so to speak, dealing with that, the person who threw you a cinder block when you were about to drown then arranges it so that if you do manage to regain your freedom, you have no where left to go.
All this is done in less than month. Waaay less than a month.

Somehow, you find the strength to start to come back from that. You find a place to live and about all you have left is your job. Thank God for that, at least, right?
Well...you've got a house again and still have your job, but, somehow, it's just not enough. It's still killing you. You need a release, before the pressure kills you. So, you write. And write and write and write.
Instead of any of the untold number of other ways people let off steam, like drinking, drugs, beatings, stalking, harassing...you write. And, it helps.
But, it doesn't make the shit stop happening.
If still having your job and getting a place to live was 'sitting up' from having been knocked flat on your back, then this writing is getting you to your knees, so you can soon stand....
Except....the shit doesn't stop. The person who left you continues to dog you. They expect you to play by the rules, while they write their own. That in itself is highly frustrating, let alone also trying deal with what they've already caused and that 'pesky' cancer shit.
Then, after a year or two of this nit-pickin', aggravating, needless shit from this person, you have major surgery. Ow. Thank God it worked.
But then....the person who just can't seem to see you bleed enough uses the one 'safe', non-violent way you have to vent and get over this shit maybe, to get you fired.
Then, they use your reaction to the further pain and frustration they've caused you as a reason to keep your kid from you at all.
And, have a sheriff at your door EVER, let alone multiple times in a week.

(Note: In this next part, 'you' is referring to those who delinked Rob and those who just don't get it and want to kick him to the curb...)
Now...how would YOU feel? How would YOU be acting? How harshly would you want to be judged in that situation? How permanant would you like it to be seen as? Would you want everybody to forget who you really are and proclaim you to be a certain type of person just because of something you said?
I'm sure we'd all like to say "Well, even then, I'd have enough sense not to use that word. Especially ten times..." That's really easy to say now...thinking halfway clearly, but, really...when your mind is that poisoned by life, like it can be by drugs, you just cannot think things out or see them like you used to, like they really are.
When you've been beaten so long and so hard, sooner or later, you will lash out. It's almost never considered 'appropriate', either.
For the record, I didn't really care for the manner Rob chose in which to get his point across. I got his point, too, however. It just coulda been said in many other, nicer ways. But, I don't look to Rob for 'nicer'...I look to Rob for brutal truth. I expect that, so, even if I may be dismayed at the words he chooses sometimes, I still get what I came for...truth.
Believe me, reading about him drooling over eating goat when he went to Jamaica, when my own goat was missing, really hurt me. Pissed me off, even. But, it didn't change who Rob really is. Didn't change the fact that I like the guy. To quote the guys in the movie 'Porky's', when they're explaining Kavanaugh to Brian..."We (I) may not like everything he does, but he's our (my) friend..."
I, for one, ain't giving up just yet.

It kinda seems to me like the people who have delinked him were just looking for an excuse to do so. Maybe they're just really uncomfortable reading a man fall apart (as opposed to 'seeing'). Maybe this was just the excuse they needed to walk away and look superior when they did. Hell, to their way of thinking, it's GOT to be better to be seen as morally superior and therefore 'done with him' than a chickenshit who wants to run just because they can't handle what he's going through and his reactions to it.
I can understand that, too. I've been that chicken-shit myself. I've delinked him a coupla times since he got back from Jamaica, but, not because he pissed me off or because of any one or two (or 10) words he said, but because I felt like hell watching him jitter apart and not be able to reach out to help if he wanted it. But, I felt even worse trying to walk away. (And, for the record, the times I did delink and relink him, I did NOT make a huge deal out of it. Yes, people can say anything they want in their blogs, but they also oughta be able to admit they do that kinda shit FOR HITS. Otherwise, they'd just dump the link, not say a word and go on. Just think about it....)
I just can't leave him, whether he knows or even cares I'm there, or not.
As long as he's breathing or until he tells me personally to fuck off, I'm sticking.
And, he may even have to do that more than once...
Right now, the man is like a lion with his paw in a leghold trap. He feels trapped, is in immense pain and will rip the head offa anybody who gets close, even if they're just wanting to get the trap off. It's not helping at all that there's a crowd of rubberneckers and idiots who wanna throw rocks and poke him with sticks standing around, either. Those would be the assholes, not everybody-just the assholes-in his comments. Hell, he's even slashed a few of the people he is 'used to'. Y'all are expecting him to settle down and be helped with a jeering crowd standing by? Riiiight.
If ya care enough about Rob and the issues surrounding having Rob linked to go into long-winded, self-serving explanations about why you're delinking him, then how come ya don't care enough to look past the bad words to the CAUSE of them? If half of the energy spent 'explaining' had been used to actually help the guy somehow, he'd be light-years ahead of the rest of us on the road to recovery (from the traumas of life, that is...).
If you can't be bothered to try to help, then why not just leave him alone? Is it fun to add to the load of a guy who is already staggering, or something? Just how far 'up' do people need to push themselves offa his already breaking shoulders?
Really what this all boils down to is kicking a guy who is so down, there doesn't even seem to be an 'up' anymore.
Bravo.
That'll really help him heal and not keep saying things in a boneheaded manner. Sure it will.

Posted by Stevie at March 10, 2004 10:51 AM | TrackBack
Comments

I don't even know this guy Rob or where his site is located or what it's called but it sure sounds like he could use some friends :/

Posted by: dark_fire_sklavin at March 10, 2004 11:24 AM

Well said and very insightful.

Posted by: Surfie at March 11, 2004 09:18 AM

Thanks. I appreciate what you wrote.

Posted by: Acidman at March 15, 2004 12:25 PM

No, Stevie's not the only one.
I read Rob's page every day, morning and evening.
-yankee bloke

Posted by: Yankee Bloke at March 15, 2004 01:42 PM

I said it on Acidman's blog, and I'll say it here...I never liked him, or had much use for him, but when I saw the pile-on shitstorm idiots were dumping on his head for no damn reason but that they were a bunch of pussies (quite frankly) I had to jump in on his side. Those delinking weenies are directly attacking Rob's freedom of expression and I hate that.

Posted by: Bane at March 15, 2004 07:06 PM

You know, Stevie ole gal, loyalty is a quite admirable quality in a person.

Posted by: Jett at March 15, 2004 11:07 PM
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